Saturday, March 17, 2007

"The Consultation"

Consultation my ass! How about the f&#$king Spanish Inquisition????? As I sat in The Good Doctor's private office, all my powers of observation came to a grinding halt. No time to look around and decide if TGD had that Feng Shui thing going. Not that I'm known for my sense of design anyway, but I actually don't remember what the office decor actually looked like on that first visit. My attention was completely drawn to TGD, or rather, what she was saying. I couldn't even describe her after that first visit. Maybe my friends were right, that I was totally self absorbed and never thought of anyone else. Hmmm... better watch that attribute or I really will turn into Mary Martino Jr.
But I tried so hard NOT to be like her. If I didn't think of me and what was good for me, who would? There was no one else looking out for me.

TGD was pleasant and led me into her office. Pleasant but not patronizing and got right to the point, what brought me here.

How about a lifetime of being a freak, not just in a circus, but in every day life?
How about feeling that you don't belong to any gender, group, or any other entity on the planet? How about always feeling you're walking on a tight rope and having no net below you? No, I couldn't say that out loud, but I was thinking it. In time, if she was good, she could guess I felt this way, or so I hoped.

Instead I rattled off what I had been practicing since last week when I made the appointment.

" Well, Dr. as I mentioned on the phone, I found I recently that a member of my family molested a teenager and ultimately caused her to take her own life. This in turn made me think back to my childhood and the sexual abuse I had endured. I mentioned this for the first time ever at a friend's house and she thought it would be a good idea if I talked about this with someone." That was my spiel. That should be clear enough.

TGD surprised me by stating that many adults do not talk about their sexual abuse and it is not uncommon to keep it to one's self. Also, that some therapists were not properly educated or prepared to handle the larger issues at hand re: sexual abuse and it's life long debilitating effects on the adult. The repercussions of sexual abuse were enormous and the shame followed the abused throughout their lives when in reality, they never owned the shame. The perpetrator did. Perpetrator.

Perpetrator. That was a word used for criminals. That was also a word that opened up the floodgates. That was a word that changed my life forever, that day, in that office with TGD.

One word and the walls start to come down, like dominoes. One word. And I would never be able to look at anything the same way again. God damn Doctor. In the course of one 45 minute consultation my life had changed forever and the saddest and scariest part was that I didn't know what would actually happen next. I felt like a cartoon character falling off a cliff and waiting for something to save you. A branch or rock you could grab onto. Something, anything that would break your fall. Why was I feeling this way all of a sudden?

Then the questions. What makes you so upset about this? What does it make you think about? Who does it make you think about? What are you thinking right now? Who hurt you?

Who hurt you? No one ever asked me that and meant it. Now there was a loaded question. Too many questions from TGD with oh so many answers that I didn't think anyone would believe, much less listen to.

But I was wrong.


Blogger s@bd said...

i'm so glad you were wrong.

12:37 PM  
Blogger Jerri said...

The right word at the right time can change everything. But only if you're ready and willing.

With TGD's help, you've done the hard work, Suzy. So proud of you. SO, so.

More story, please.

1:44 PM  
Blogger grammer said...

Suzy, it hurts my heart to read that you believed no one would listen ... but I know a little bit about this. What a lonely place to be. You and TGD found each other at the right time. Hallelujah! xo

6:52 PM  
Blogger Carrie Wilson Link said...

God I how love TGD, and you!

7:58 PM  
Blogger holly said...

the good thing about a shitty wifi connection: i got to read two installments of this story at once. no waiting!

11:41 PM  
Blogger Terry Whitaker said...

Wow. This is mind blowing. You are unbelievably brave.

12:35 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

I can so relate to your story, Suzy. I'm thrilled that you're telling it and enthralled by the way you tell it. I'm sending big hugs and love your way. Looking forward to the next installment.

5:49 PM  
Blogger Prema said...

Suzy, this piece has depth and elegance. It's very impactful in a welcoming kind of way. I get to consider some of the same things myself because you allow me into your experience. It takes skill and subtlety....a combination of something unnameable that you are offering the reader. Love how the process of writing deepens the process itself - that's what I see happening. Love ya.

11:28 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

"Perpetrator" is right--and it's so vital and empowering to move the blame for these horrible crimes OFF of the survivors and onto the criminals, where it belongs.

Your story is so powerful, and your writing is even more so. Your personality shines through every word, and your honesty and wonderful turn of phrase make a combustible combination.

The only problem here is that I am always left wanting more, more, more!

So much love to you Suzy! And I'm psyched to see this map!

9:00 AM  
Blogger Michelle O'Neil said...

Suzy you are so brave!

I'm so glad you "leaped."


7:15 PM  
Blogger Mystic Wing said...

Great couple of posts, Suzy. YOu have an amazing knack for weaving crystal details into your writing. You're a natural.

Let the thing flow now. We can't wait to read more.

8:46 AM  
Blogger jennifer said...

Hi Sweetie...and I am goingn to ask you to go back into this peice...and write one graph about what you think the space looked like. Close your eyes and do a little imagination play...what you wanted it to look like, feel like, what this experiment might yeild is a connect to the past...and boom, you are in memory land...

so now, let's be more specific....go into graph # 1 and after "I couldn't even describe her after that first visit...

write these words: If I were to close my eyes now and imagine that place and that person, the room would like like this...there would be creamy colored walls and a vase of flowers and whatever else comes to your imagination... and TGD would be wearing a silk top and stupidly high heels (or whatever is in yoru imagination). Bypass judgment and let your imagination carry you.

I are calling me a bitch but HONEY...this is it! You are doing great.

5:01 PM  
Blogger kario said...

Wow - how have I not been here for so long? You are amazing, for not only going here once but again. Amazing how one person's perspective can unlock the skewed point of view we've cultivated our entire lives--perpetrator. I am so glad you have come through and I am honored to be reading this.

9:52 PM  
Blogger Ziji Wangmo said...

Thank you for sharing - thank you for finding TGD! Luv u - keep going.....

12:40 AM  

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