Circus of the Stars
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a "group" person. I don't like parties, "get togethers" or any other events, even with good friends, let alone with people I don't know. Work is different. I work with a group of people I truly like, respect and trust. It's different because not only is it my job, it is the kind of job where our our roles are defined and our interaction is between certain hours and days. I am comfortable at work and safe.
I've always considered myself a "one on one" person-a loner, a private person. Seems it's all I can handle.
I've used the term "shy" instead of "fearful" for years. But I'm not shy. Scared is what I am. All these years of my antenna being raised, scouting out who would hurt me with words, looks or whatever. So much energy spent living like this. Trapped, isolated and alone, but yet safe.
There is one group setting however, where I can actually be myself, no holds barred, no pretend smiles, no one to please, and is for me, one of the safest places I can be.
I meet with a Trauma group every week, run by the Ring Master, TGD and her Ringer, TGD's assistant.
Being a member of this group is a mixed blessing. Unfortunate to have had trauma become and overtake my life, but fortunate to have found a group of women, because of their own trauma, who "get it." They are heroes, they are stars. They are walking this tightrope of survival with me, as TGD and her Ringer hold the safety net below, so that when and if we fall, we are caught and begin the death defying feats again, until we perfect our chosen roles.
These courageous women hold within them a calliope of trauma and events that pierce your heart with a pain so palpable that you somehow merge with them, and for a brief time, you forget your own pain and trauma. Their pain becomes yours and when it's your turn to talk, and share, the process is reversed. You can actually feel the pain being split open, understood and shared for a brief, fleeting moment.
So many mixed emotions, good and bad, sad and happy, relieved and ashamed, scared that you may still be the biggest freak in the room.
I do this work week after week. It's a love/hate relationship. Not with the group, but with myself.
Hate the trauma and the trail left in it's wake, but love that it can be fixed.
There are answers and explanations with no judgement.
I've always considered myself a "one on one" person-a loner, a private person. Seems it's all I can handle.
I've used the term "shy" instead of "fearful" for years. But I'm not shy. Scared is what I am. All these years of my antenna being raised, scouting out who would hurt me with words, looks or whatever. So much energy spent living like this. Trapped, isolated and alone, but yet safe.
There is one group setting however, where I can actually be myself, no holds barred, no pretend smiles, no one to please, and is for me, one of the safest places I can be.
I meet with a Trauma group every week, run by the Ring Master, TGD and her Ringer, TGD's assistant.
Being a member of this group is a mixed blessing. Unfortunate to have had trauma become and overtake my life, but fortunate to have found a group of women, because of their own trauma, who "get it." They are heroes, they are stars. They are walking this tightrope of survival with me, as TGD and her Ringer hold the safety net below, so that when and if we fall, we are caught and begin the death defying feats again, until we perfect our chosen roles.
These courageous women hold within them a calliope of trauma and events that pierce your heart with a pain so palpable that you somehow merge with them, and for a brief time, you forget your own pain and trauma. Their pain becomes yours and when it's your turn to talk, and share, the process is reversed. You can actually feel the pain being split open, understood and shared for a brief, fleeting moment.
So many mixed emotions, good and bad, sad and happy, relieved and ashamed, scared that you may still be the biggest freak in the room.
I do this work week after week. It's a love/hate relationship. Not with the group, but with myself.
Hate the trauma and the trail left in it's wake, but love that it can be fixed.
There are answers and explanations with no judgement.
posted by Suzy at 9:07 AM
16 Comments:
I am so glad that you have this place in which to practice. Practice being held and understood. It is so nice to be courageous with others who can acknowledge the obstacles you had to overcome to get there. You deserve to be surrounded by this strength all day long.
I love the way you write about this. I can actually hear the calliope music playing in the background and see that strong net ready and waiting beneath the tightrope.
Love.
And there is love for you. So much love for you, Suze.
I am grateful for TGD and these women who have helped you so much.
I love you.
You sound so clear and brave here. I could hear the calliope as well, and feel it - the perfect metaphor.
I loved your insight about fearful vs. shy. You seem stronger somehow than I've heard you before. TGD must be working some magic.
There is a second grader who will be mine next year - her life is shit - and she peers out at me with the same eyes I saw in you. Thank you for the inspiration of your healing - it will help me be with her.
So glad to get to read you again. Love.
Suzy, what an absolutely gorgeous piece of writing.
This took my breath away (really, the whole post did):
"Their pain becomes yours and when it's your turn to talk, and share, the process is reversed. You can actually feel the pain being split open, understood and shared for a brief, fleeting moment."
I am so moved by your courage, touched by your writing, and grateful that you have this wonderfully safe and loving place to go as you work through all of this pain. You are chipping away at the fear, and it is opening you up to more and more less "safe" places, more and more experiences and adventures. And that makes me so excited!
I love you.
Your words are so powerful, yet so amazingly beautiful. You describe the group process, in the most poetic way, perfectly. I love how you write and feel so blessed that you share your talent. I am so glad you have found this group, it takes a great deal of courage to go through that door every week, safety net or not. XOXO
When you look around that group I know you see joy along with the pain.
Souls who survive that kind of trauma have such huge capacity for good and abundant lives, due to the courage and strength that allowed them to survive in the first place.
As low as it goes, the potential to soar is equally high.
So glad you have your group. They are lucky you are a member.
XO
You are clearly on your way. This is a strong post from you, Suze, and I am so happy to read it. Yes, this can be fixed. It will be fixed. It is being fixed, by degrees, every day. Congratulations! From your fellow loner (is that an oxymoron?), tg xoxo
p.s. I will miss you at Sisters. I was hoping to sit with you after-hours and chat about whatever. :)
You are blessed to have found TGD and this group, and it's so great to read the progress, the growing strength. What an amazing thing to have this kind of support and space to heal in your own time. I love reading about this process. It is indeed very moving and inspiring. We CAN get past our pain, we can.
I'll miss you in Sisters, too. But maybe see you soon...
"They are walking this tightrope of survival with me..." fabulous! Excellent writing and turning over of inner work.
What a gift you are to so many, Suzster. I love you every day, all day long, my whole life.
They are walking this tightrope of survival with me, as TGD and her Ringer hold the safety net below. So beautiful! Love you Suz!
xo
Really powerful writing here, Suzy. That line Kim quoted really for me to.
You are amazing and an inspiration both. Really missed you in Sisters last weekend. Why to the East and West coast have to be so darn far apart?
Suzy, this writing is so awake. You are so awake in the heart of the expression. I don't see fear from the one who sees so clearly. What I see now is a strong-hold beginning to shift. All these ways of protecting yourself, now limiting in ways, are still very skillful. Rechanneling the energy so that you are discriminating yet open, fierce yet open....this is the balance. Feels close.
Hey Suzy, glad to discover you're blogging again. Last couple of posts show some amazing work, if you ask me.
When I read the comments to your post, I also see that you have a group of safe friends here is blog world, too.
You're amazing in more ways than you know.
So happy you have found a group - they are lucky to have you!
There is something powerful about a group of people/women who sit together in a cirlce with an intention to heal.
Luv u.
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