Monday, February 18, 2008

10-12 Months

High chair sitting, I don’t make noise. Seat makes sticks of wood stick in me if I move too much. Ma yells when I cry or call her name . Ma doesn’t look my way. If I move my rattle too much, she looks at me mean. Ma talks to the Boy. I hear “sister….carriage…out….need to sleep.” The Boy shakes his head, ma yells, the Boy leaves the room.
Boy comes back. I get happy when he starts to take me out of the highchair. I flap my arms and laugh, boy says shutup and sit still. Boy grabs my rattle and sticks it in his pocket.
Boy lifts me out of highchair scraping my legs. No pants on me, just diaper and shirt with old spit up on it. I start to cry, boy and ma say “shutup or you won’t go anywhere.” I stop crying. If I don’t, big hands hit me. I get scared because it hurts.
Boy carries me to moving bed with wheels. Lets me fall in, I hit my head on the side, but it’s okay because Boy throws my rattle next to me. I still don’t cry.
Love going for these rides in the moving bed with wheels. See the bright light in the sky, see trees, and sometimes birdies. Not smoky like inside house, my nose likes it too. I flap my arms and giggle.
Boy pushes bed on wheels and my eyes close and open, close and open and then close.
Eyes open. Back of my head is wet. Leaves up in sky all around me. Bed on wheels isn’t moving. Eyes want to close again. I move my rattle. Boy’s head looks inside bed on wheels. He has spots on his face, and lots of hair on his head. Sometimes people call him Red. Boy says, “close your eyes and go back to sleep.” Boy stands in front of bed on wheels throwing a bouncy ball up in the sky and catches it. I flap my arms, to play. Boy turns away. I move my rattle lots of times, boy still doesn’t look.
Eyes close.
Eyes open fast and wide. Boy is tugging at my diaper. I wave my arms. Is Boy picking me up?
Boy looks at me funny. Boy puts his hand inside my diaper. Boy is smiling. I’m making boy happy. I flap my arms and giggle. Boy is never happy.
OUCH! Something under my belly hurts. Something hurts really bad. I cry. Boy says “shutup”. Something is pushing inside of me so hard it makes my head bump against the top soft part of the bed on wheels. My whole body goes back and forth against the top soft part of the bed on wheels. I’m scared. Where’s ma? I’m still crying. Boy is smiling and pushing harder. Boy says. “shutup, mommy says you’re a bastard, shutup you bastard”! I cry more, drop my rattle. Can’t find my rattle, Want my rattle, want my ma. Want boy to stop. I kick my legs, the more I kick the more it hurts.
Boy takes hand out of diaper. Diaper is wet. “Mommy will change your diaper, you wet bastard. Mommy doesn’t like wet bastards.” Boy pushes bed on wheels back home. I am wet, tired and scared.


Blogger Kim said...

Oh my god. Suzy.

In my heart, through my tears, this is all I can do:
I reach into that bed, nestle my hands gently under that little girl's arms, pick her up, and cuddle her to my chest. Her head rests on my left shoulder as my left arm holds the weight of her body and my right hand softly strokes her back and her sweet head. I rock her back and forth, singing softly into her ear, holding her close.

Once I feel the fear begin to leave her, her body softening in my arms, then I lie her down on a changing table, gently clean her from head to toe with a warm cloth, put on calming lotion, a fresh diaper, and warm, fleece footie pajamas.

I will give her a soft bear to cuddle, wrap her in a cozy blanket, and rock her in my arms, singing softly until she falls asleep. I will not let go until she wakes up and is ready to face the new day.


2:22 PM  
Blogger s@bd said...

oh child

oh woman

i am heaving (sobs and vomit)

all my love

2:32 PM  
Blogger Douglas Wilkie said...

What wonderful writing you have on your pages...

4:05 PM  
Blogger Nancy said...

Oh God Suzy. I know I read it before but I'm just as shocked reading it a second time. I feel so sick thinking about it and I hate everything about it except your bravery in sharing it.

7:37 AM  
Blogger She's like the wind said...

Oh Suzy, Suzy, your childhood breaks my heart. But what I also wonder is how a boy so young could interfere with another child/baby. What has he seen or been through? I am not sticking up for him, obviously.

Love and hugs always, you're a surviver. x

7:45 AM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

Suzy ....... that was a dreadful experience. Thank you for sharing it.
I am going to read some of your older posts.

11:32 AM  
Blogger kario said...

Love. Just love and light.

I am here.

11:36 AM  
Blogger Manic Mother Of Five said...

To our wonderful Suzy. I know you are surrounded by a group of friends who look after you but read these comments and remember that you have a cyber circle of friends who form a ring around you to love and protect you. We will listen when you want to talk and support you when you need it as best we can.

I can't change your past, much as it grieves me but your future is just that YOURS. They can't hurt you now.

Hugging mine as I type lovely.


2:57 PM  
Blogger Michelle O'Neil said...

I'm so sorry Suzy.

You are a miracle and so very brave.

Love you.

3:24 PM  
Blogger Jerri said...

I've come back three times to read this and try to say something that makes sense, but my mind's a blank.

Your writing, your story, and your courage leave me speechless. Like Kim, I wish with all my heart that I could reach into the past to comfort and protect you.

As it is, I will simply offer you my love. Always.

11:07 PM  
Blogger Jess said...

Heartwrenching stuff. You must be doing very powerful work to access some of this stuff, but we knew that. You are so brave to be doing this work.

I am really struck by these last three posts together, how you have been able to jump back and forth in time. Nice to have read your present voice, too, to have at least a glimpse of the perspective you are finding.

Much love and healing to you.

And yes to everything Kim said, too.

3:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have a wonderful courage to share these horrendous times with us. We can only hope and pray you are able to move forward.

My heart goes out to you and I send you a very tight hug.

Crystal xx

3:07 PM  
Blogger Maddy said...

I read, I learn.

6:51 PM  
Anonymous paul maurice martin said...

I'm new to your blog... unfortuantely this sounds too real.

Wish you were like me - my memory just doesn't go back before age three and is easy to peg because we lived in another part of the country when I was one and two - I have zero recall of that house/environs, even when I was still a young kid and shown photos.

12:04 AM  
Blogger Carrie Wilson Link said...




You are my hero.

I love and adore and am SO F'ING PROUD OF YOU!


6:32 AM  
Blogger excavator said...

Empathy. Cuts like a knife.

It does break my heart to see this world from the perspective of one who has already learned that the norm is atmosphere polluted with anger and resentment. It's painful to imagine that a being who is supposed to be cherished and has every right to expect that instead has to find joy in such meager offerings: a ride in the stroller.

I'm new to your blog. Thank you for generously sharing your journey.

12:09 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

Kim said what I was thinking. I would just love for you to have a second chance.

10:58 PM  
Blogger dgibbs said...

Oh Suzy, all my love and hugs go out to you.

8:01 AM  
Blogger Mid-lifer said...

That's so powerful Suzy - heart-wrenching, moving, thoroughly sickening.

Like She's like the wind', I wonder too why the boy did what he did.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Swearing Mother said...

So sad Suzy, so sad.

7:12 PM  
Blogger menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Suzy, what trauma to make you remember such an horrific event so young in your life. I actually feel sick with disgust and anger after reaing that and want to rip your brothers head from his body for being such a cruel and sick bastard.

You were a baby for God's sake. Your writing evokes every emotion going. Amazing stuff.

7:01 AM  

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