Tuesday, August 05, 2008

The Price of Healing

Dr. Lubin writes these scalding words on the white board with her fiery red marker. This is the topic of the week for the trauma group. I sit in silence as my fellow comrades in this battle of survival, list what their experiences are with this hot topic of the week.

In the past 1 and 1/2 years we have become mirrors of each other, partners with each other, similar to long term friends, couples who know each other's secrets, finish each other's sentences, laughing as we do. It's a secret club. At times we open the door to each other's pain by asking questions instead of pushing buttons or just being with the moment, as sad and as heartbreaking as it is. We know we cannot change what has happened in the past, but we can change what happens in our future. A year and a half ago, most of us thought we didn't have a future. We have learned how to listen deeply and lovingly to each other. We have a spectacular teacher. Dr. Lubin sets the stage.

We are at times a funny little dysfunctional family, but always working towards that common goal of healing our wounds that have penetrated us physically and emotionally. Difficult to know which one hurts the most.

It's a tough group. No one lets anyone get away with anything. We call each other on our strengths, weaknesses and capabilities. We remind each other of who we are and how we have made it.

The Price of Healing..........There are so many roads I can go down on this one. The Price of Healing Where do I start? Where do I end? Do I end? What has this almost 3 year journey cost me?

The Price of Healing..........How do I describe the depths of dissection my entire life has gone through? Every thought, word and deed I have ever done has been examined, ripped apart, and put back together in some form of functional fashion? I have felt like a frog on the table being dissected in biology class. Nothing left to the imagination. Everything on the table.

The Price of Healing..........Is it the friends I have lost in the past 2 and a half years because I have changed? Is it my voice and my words that offend them, after finally finding it after 57 years? Is it not accepting how I have finally learned how to say NO and mean it? Or is it I have somehow touched on something they have always been good at hiding and they are afraid of being seen for who they are and what they have done to me? I've caught their act and I am now wiser.

The Price of Healing.........Is it the time and commitment I have made to myself with intensive therapy twice a week, so intense and crippling that I was accused of being self absorbed?

The Price of Healing.........Exposing a brother who had sexually abused me along with others who were supposed to be "protecting" me? The dentist, the deacon, the neighborhood baby sitter?

Yes, there is a Price of Healing.

But I would not change one thing about the past 2 and a half years. I am finally moving on.

My mother, the very first perpetrator in my life, set the pace.

It's been 20 years since her death. I have run the gamut of feelings all my life of love, hate and fear.

She didn't like or love me. That I know. I have searched for all these years to find out why. But only she knows why.

Neither myself or my brother have put a grave marker where she is buried. I always thought that she never liked what I did anyway, so why bother. I've long since stopped wondering why my brother didn't.

The Price of Healing.........In several weeks I will be standing with Dr. Lubin at my mother's grave. I finally have gotten her the grave stone she deserves. I think it's time. I will stand there with Dr. Lubin, and I will most likely read something I have written and I will say a prayer for her at her grave. And I will thank her. I will thank her for giving birth to me. I do so love this journey I'm on.

It truly is time for her to rest in peace.

Too bad that The Price of Healing isn't always as simple as just buying a grave marker.

19 Comments:

Blogger Carrie Wilson Link said...

Okay, you fully killed me with those last two paragraphs.

You're the apple of my eye.

love.

10:07 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

I went back and read it a second time because your journey deserves that.

I do not know your posts about the dentist, the deacon, the babysitter. I would love it if you would link me?

As to going to your mothers gravesite? An immensity of work has gone into this move. I congratulate you on how big you are to do this. Many say forgiveness is the key.

11:02 PM  
Blogger La La said...

I started weeping reading those last paragraphs. You are an amazing woman! A true role model for us all!

1:52 AM  
Blogger s@bd said...

oh beautiful, beautiful suzy.

this is wonderful
YOU are wonderful!

like, FULL of WONDER

like, AWE-INSPIRING


xo
s

8:33 AM  
Blogger kario said...

You have paid a very high price, my friend. And you have done so much to show others that it is worth it. What a courageous woman you are to be moving forward, always moving forward.

Love.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Maddy said...

If only it were that easy but it's a step in the right direction in a long journey.
Best wishes

9:57 AM  
Blogger Terry Whitaker said...

No one realizes how painful the healing process really is...thank you for continuing to teach me.

9:59 AM  
Blogger serenity said...

Beautiful writing. Beautiful heart. It has been quite amazing to be witness to your journey for the last two or so years. It is a blessing to so many to hear your voice, the voice of your heart.

love and ((hugs))

1:37 AM  
Blogger Osh said...

I came via a link Maddy posted...I don't think I have taken a breath yet...

I can't make words out of what is running in my head...

hugs

10:11 PM  
Blogger Michelle O'Neil said...

I think you have a right to be "self-absorbed." I think focusing on yourself is exactly perfect. Your SELF is awesome Suzy.

May your mother rest in peace. May you be at peace as well Suzy.

10:43 PM  
Blogger Crystal Jigsaw said...

The past will always be there, of course we cannot change that but we can learn from it. The future is what really matters isn't it. Your incredible will to look forward should be a lesson to the best of us.

CJ xx

7:15 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

The price of denial and darkness is much much higher. Thank you for once again sharing your courage and insights in such a beautifully honest way. Love.

12:39 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Your posts always leave me so full of emotion that I struggle for words that could possible express a fraction of what I'm feeling...

Deeply sad about your past, yet profoundly uplifted about your present and your future. Intensely angry that an innocent child could have been so neglected and abused, yet so grateful for the journey you are on, and that you are able to share it with us so beautifully. Powerless to go back into the past and hold that poor little girl in my arms, yet so inspired by the incredible and strong woman she has become.

You have survived this abuse and this pain, each and every day you have survived it and, as I see it, the survival phase is now over. Now, you thrive. Now, you soar. Now, you say good-bye, with Dr. Lubin and all the many people who love you dearly by your side, and you find your peace.

So much love.

3:08 PM  
Blogger Nancy said...

Suz,

You have no idea how, on your journey of healing, you have lit the path for so many others! Beautiful, beautiful writing as always.

Love you.

Nance

3:31 PM  
Blogger Douglas W said...

Thank you Suzy. The other day you left a comment on my pages saying that you thought I deserved to be happy. I left a response there, but what you have said here prompts me to copy it here as well.

We all deserve to be happy, and we can all help others to feel the happiness they deserve.

As I read your story Suzy I read of many times of unhappiness in the past, but then I read the reactions that your story has created in others; the love for you that others have expressed; the thanks they give to you for sharing with them; the happiness they feel through that sharing. And I hope that some of that love and happiness finds its way into your daily life and is felt in your heart and reflected in your smile. For you also deserve happiness.

Yes, healing has a price, but the reward is happiness.

6:02 PM  
Blogger La La said...

I think of you every day these past few weeks. As I try to navigate my own story of abuse, I draw strength from you.

Thank you for that! Thank you!

7:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is always abuse or alone those are your only choices. I am 57 about to be 58. My stories are a bit different, but the mother and attitude to her unwanted daughter are the same. I cannot find work as a professional, I do not trust anyone to help or care.

5:56 AM  
Blogger Suzy said...

Anonymous,

Thank you for your comment.

Please feel free to email me at suzypafka@snet.net
in total confidence.
If there is anything I can do, please let me know, even if it's just to listen.

I know exactly what you mean.

All the best.

Suzy

7:04 AM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

Wow........ I have missed some good writing here. Looks like you are really being healed Suzy. Well done.

12:05 PM  

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