Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Fifth Chair

A wedding of a friend
brings five friends assembled
Two couples and myself
Shared memories of thirty years
bond us like a Gordian Knot

Twists and turns of life celebrated,
commiserated, and endured together
act as glue
Everyone has a role
Therapist, mentor, brother, mother,
My role, clown, make them laugh
Remnants of a past life continue
Betrayers and pretenders disguised
As confidants, and mentors
Methodically assume control
never to be questioned
They are never wrong.
I am never right
I am not their equal

It’s a lie I believed
But I am not without blame
This pattern has defined my life
until now

Lives intertwined at one time, so natural,
now seem fraudulent, a lie, a fairy tale for a child
But I am a child no more
Shattering my role as the target
for everyone’s anger, projection and ridicule.

Choosing to uncover my own truths
I am pushed out of the circle
And dismissed
A loss never imagined
four years ago, abandonment, betrayal
A release I now embrace as freedom

I dared turn a mirror in their direction
And saw nothing
No longer playing their game
The lens becomes sharper
The mirrors converge
No more blurred images of my own life
And sadly, but finally, theirs

Four friends sit in a row
With the fifth chair empty
Four years ago that would have
been my seat
The place of the fifth wheel
Today
I sit two rows behind
Rolling alone and on course
Thanking God clear vision
Is finally repaired


12 Comments:

Blogger Deb Shucka said...

Beautiful, wise and so very healed! Congratulations, Suze. Both on your work and on your gorgeous writing.

2:17 PM  
Blogger Holly said...

Suzy, I love your poetry. Lovely work!

4:07 PM  
Anonymous Frogdancer said...

I was wondering just a couple of days ago how you were doing...

I like the poem. Very triumphant. Good on you! Sometimes it takes little moments like this to fully realise how far you've come.

4:47 PM  
Blogger Carrie Wilson Link said...

I love how you realize the lie and all angles of the lie.

So powerful.

So proud of you.

love.

5:36 PM  
Blogger Laura Jane said...

Great to hear from you Suzy.

This piece comes from a wise place. A wisdom born of pain.

SO courageous, so healing.

Thinking of you

10:41 PM  
Blogger Osh said...

I have missed your wonderful writing.

Peace

6:17 PM  
Blogger kario said...

Oh, sure! You don't post for like a year and all of a sudden you have six comments? I post twice a week and only ever have two? Damn, girl! What's your secret?

Just messin' with you! It's good to see a post from you. I love the full-circle-ness of this and the way you've embraced your freedom. So hard won, but so worth it in the end, isn't it?

Love you!

11:29 AM  
Blogger Nancy said...

Pure and painful and powerful. Beautifully written Suz!

1:08 PM  
Blogger excavator said...

It was so nice to be notified that there was a post from you.

It's good to see clearly, and to know you're on course, and free.

Soon you'll have to change the name of your blog, because you know who you are.

4:36 PM  
Blogger Douglas W said...

Wonderful! So pleased you're back again Suzy!

9:36 PM  
Blogger Jerri said...

You fill me with awe, Suzy. Your spirit, your resilience, your writing. All of it. All of you.

Blessings.

8:34 AM  
Anonymous joanne said...

just to add a few more words to the powerful comments already here and on your latest post... a few more words of encouragement and support for you, and most certainly admiration for the direction you are choosing for both your writing and your life... in such a short amount of time you have come so incredibly far on this journey... a road that has had so many holes and rocks and hills and valleys... may you feel the loving words of encouragement from so many who so obviously admire your courage and determination... including myself...

6:38 PM  

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