Thursday, June 07, 2007

Circus of the Stars

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a "group" person. I don't like parties, "get togethers" or any other events, even with good friends, let alone with people I don't know. Work is different. I work with a group of people I truly like, respect and trust. It's different because not only is it my job, it is the kind of job where our our roles are defined and our interaction is between certain hours and days. I am comfortable at work and safe.

I've always considered myself a "one on one" person-a loner, a private person. Seems it's all I can handle.

I've used the term "shy" instead of "fearful" for years. But I'm not shy. Scared is what I am. All these years of my antenna being raised, scouting out who would hurt me with words, looks or whatever. So much energy spent living like this. Trapped, isolated and alone, but yet safe.

There is one group setting however, where I can actually be myself, no holds barred, no pretend smiles, no one to please, and is for me, one of the safest places I can be.

I meet with a Trauma group every week, run by the Ring Master, TGD and her Ringer, TGD's assistant.

Being a member of this group is a mixed blessing. Unfortunate to have had trauma become and overtake my life, but fortunate to have found a group of women, because of their own trauma, who "get it." They are heroes, they are stars. They are walking this tightrope of survival with me, as TGD and her Ringer hold the safety net below, so that when and if we fall, we are caught and begin the death defying feats again, until we perfect our chosen roles.

These courageous women hold within them a calliope of trauma and events that pierce your heart with a pain so palpable that you somehow merge with them, and for a brief time, you forget your own pain and trauma. Their pain becomes yours and when it's your turn to talk, and share, the process is reversed. You can actually feel the pain being split open, understood and shared for a brief, fleeting moment.

So many mixed emotions, good and bad, sad and happy, relieved and ashamed, scared that you may still be the biggest freak in the room.

I do this work week after week. It's a love/hate relationship. Not with the group, but with myself.

Hate the trauma and the trail left in it's wake, but love that it can be fixed.

There are answers and explanations with no judgement.